Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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