your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
