pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
