I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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