"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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