my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
