Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
