I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
