it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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