Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
