I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
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OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
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and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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