i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
