Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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