omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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