At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
