Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
