hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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