Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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