Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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