dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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