just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
