It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
