Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
