people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
