theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
