You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
