I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
