Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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