i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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