I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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