Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
