last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
