I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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