I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
