got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
