i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
