i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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