Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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