Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
