I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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