im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am naked and annoyed.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
