he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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