I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
