is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
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I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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