so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
