i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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