Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
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