She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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