My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize