i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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