I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
