I wish my penis had an off switch
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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