This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
