lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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