I wish you could order shots online.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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